Today I’m in search of Direction. I wake at the crack of dawn; whatever that time may be. Head for the bathroom then turn on the coffee maker that is plugged in in my bedroom. It makes too much noise on the stairs for me to go down and get it if I’m awake before everyone else. I do what I can and try each day to figure out some way to be useful in the world. No, I can’t volunteer. Not yet anyway. No driving leaves me at the mercy of family, the bus schedule and weather. We have major wind today and it’s painful to the Bells Palsy damaged ear. I will not even be able to play in the dirt today. My son has a very large yard in need of major work and it’s my favorite thing to do. Pulling weeds is meditative for me. It’s where I say my prayers of gratitude and ask questions. Being a person who never sat still without something practical to do, illness has a way of bringing things I didn’t want to look at to my attention. It’s being slapped upside the head and told to sit down and listen. The body is telling me something. I need to interpret what that is. I have 3 copies of Louise Hays’ book “You Can Heal Your Life”. I finally had to put one on my kindle so I could access it on my phone app. She is always exactly on target. My face is paralyzed. So is my life. For the next few months I live with my son while I wait for all the final details of my FINAL divorce to be worked out. It is the end of 25 years of an unsustainable relationship that should have ended before it started. But it didn’t and I sat with it every day knowing better. Fear and guilt ruled my life. Look where those two emotions got me. So getting sick in some way gave me permission to not feel so guilty. I still wrestle with the fear of financial insecurity. Thank goodness for my first husband’s Social Security. He didn’t get to live long enough to use it and my children were happy that at least I got something out of all his years of hard work. It’s a bit of a cushion against destitution. I’m heading back to my sister’s place for a week or two to help her after a surgery. I’ve had to accept her hospitality and care as well during this last 2 years. Now I can fetch and carry for her a bit. I lived with my daughter for a while as well but now we are both here with my son.
I try to live in the moment because I don’t know where I’m going in the future. I don’t even know which state I’ll be in for Thanksgiving. Being a planner is making this very difficult. I always want to know what’s next. Where am I going to live? Can I take care of myself financially? Will I ever be able to have my own home or will I have to rent? Will I ever get well enough to drive again or work? I’m grateful I can read again. That wasn’t easy in the beginning of this illness. I have so many things I want to do and learn that I find myself always scattered. Not excelling at anything limits my choices. So at what do I want to excel? I’m searching for that as well. Writing is something I can do sitting down. No driving involved. I can make the print as big as I need to see. I’m an adequate cook but nothing to write home about and I’m always on a diet because when I smell good food it stays with me forever. Sewing and quilting are almost fun but the process beats me up. I sew a little and rip more. It’s like a giant puzzle I have yet to fully understand. Am I the only one who wants to find their direction and then this late in life? How does one go about finding their north star? Was your life plotted out for you or are you blessed with an innate and marketable skill? Were you lucky enough to get a college education or like me, self-educate? My mother once said no one could take care of me as well as I could take care of myself. Somehow, I never got around to testing the theory. Big mistake on my part. I’ve seen both ends of the spectrum from people. Some rally in the face of adversity, others wallow in it. I truly want to eradicate all visible traces of adversity. I’m searching for direction. Where is the compass?
From my heart to yours,