I just realized that after 26 years, I’m back to square one. I’m once again divorced. I really did not want that more than anyone can imagine. I wanted the fairy tale. It looked like I had it most days. Then once in a while I would wake up and look around and say to myself, “I sold out”. Yup, that’s what I did. Finally 25 months ago this illness (Bells Palsy) woke me with a sledge-hammer. After over 2 years, it’s still pounding on me to wake up and get with it.
My brain has never worked exceedingly well for a variety of reasons. I won’t explain because it’s not nice to speak ill of the dead. I have worked around that to some degree by having a large portion of common sense. Intuition helps me a great deal when I listen to it. It’s the listening part that usually trips me up. I’ve given meditation a half-hearted try on numerous occasions but always find a walk or working in the yard, when I have one to work in, are more meditative than sitting. I’m a list maker and quiet time releases very long lists. But I haven’t given up on the sitting, breathing meditation. It seems to work best if I do it before I have my coffee.
I guess my point here is that my life feels like it’s moved to the outhouse. It started out tough enough then just did the roller coaster thing. Lives can be viewed from many different perspectives. Anywhere I look, I see tougher and supposedly easier lives than mine but right this minute, from my vantage point, I’m in the outhouse. It is indeed not in the cardboard box under the bridge. Heck, I have computer access, what more could a person need? That access keeps me going forward if I let it. I also have with me some of the books that have always been my lifeline.
Growing up in a generation that said children should be seen and not heard taught us that only others could decide what was best for us. If we had a thought, it was dismissed as worthless and useless. So was it any wonder that I would choose to partner with men who were dismissive of me. Worse still, I agreed with them and continued to allow it. So here I am at retirement age with nothing to retire from or with and my health compromised. I made some serious mistakes but it’s not too late. Now comes the time to find out of what stuff I’m really made. It’s time to take back My Power. When things hit the fan, I always allow myself 10 minutes on the pity pot and then I have to pull myself together and come up with a plan.
So what do I do to get my power back? First I have to stop giving it away. Then care enough about myself to restore my health. Intuition and common sense say no wellness and no quality of life come from eating too much of anything. I finally started listening while I’m meditating. So the food has cleaned up once again but not with as much rigidness this time. And I’m walking more again. Even without the dog. Yes, my knees hurt so I take a pain reliever. So far the cane has kept me from falling when my balance fails me.
I have daily motivational e-mails from Daily Om, Neale Donald Walsh, Abraham Hicks, Nightingale-Conant and Mike Dooley’s notes from the Universe. They start my day after I click on the Animal Rescue Site to donate a cup of food for strays. My life is better than theirs so I want to pay it forward in a way that only requires moments. Then I usually get a giggle or something thought-provoking from one of my e-mail friends or family. I get lots of e-mails about all the writing courses out there I can’t yet take advantage of but save for some time in the future. I’m assuming there is a future for me.
I have set the EX and his family’s phone numbers to go automatically to voice mail. That means I get to choose when to have that conversation and have my support in place before being attacked. Lessening exposure to toxic people is a beginning. Then I watch my own toxic thinking and speaking. Thoughts as well as words can carry a powerful impact. I can express my disappointment without character assassination. I didn’t do it with the first divorce and I will not do it now. I’m thinking the EX must be running out of pins to stick into my voodoo doll because I’m starting to get better. Soon, I know it will be soon as long as I watch my stress levels and my thoughts.
I had considered taking a writing class at the community college when it occurred to me that an instructor may decide I’m really not good at this and I would most likely quit. That would again be giving my power away. Interesting how things light up when you pay attention. I’ll have to be very careful with that now that I’m aware. I’m open to all ideas of how to find my own power and how you found yours. We are all in this together, even the EX’s.
From my heart to yours,