I am bored with the subject of Bells Palsy and I am never usually bored. I no longer care for this to be at the forefront of my existence. I want something more from my life. Exactly what that is remains a bit elusive though I’m diligently excavating it.
There is so much I want from life that it’s scary. I’ve been told by both former husbands that I should be satisfied with my life. I felt shame that I couldn’t be satisfied at the time. Then I realized that satisfaction to me is being complacent with the status quo. Complacency inhibits growth and more than anything, growth is the name of my game. I chose gratitude over satisfaction. I am always grateful for the good and the not so good. Even this illness has given me a gift. It’s given me time to excavate.
It seems like an eternity ago that I read Sarah Ban Breathnach’s book “Something More” and I finally felt I had permission to ask life for more of something different. I read that book twice and bought several copies as gifts. Now I’m searching again for what that could be. I tend to dream small. That yields small results. Now I want to go big, huge, gigantic. When you look at the condition of the world it would remind me to stay small. I’m going out there with my eyes closed and my heart open. Yes, that’s very Pollyanna of me but like I’ve said before, fear and faith cannot occupy the same space.
I want complete wellness and health. I need health first and foremost because I have no medical insurance. I can’t afford to be ill. Other than Bells Palsy and a tiny problem with obesity, I’m well on the way to health. Yes, I’m working on the weight.
I want to make a great income. Some people think it’s not spiritual to be wealthy. If the amount of money you have relates to how close to God you are, then I should be sitting in God’s lap right now. I can’t buy that apartment building or mobile home complex to help other women start over if I’m not wealthy. It’s really hard to earn a good living if you are not well. Hand in hand they must go.
I want a community of friends. I added up the number of times I’ve moved in my life and it was over 30 before I was 30. I’m staying put with my son for now because I want one last move into a home that I own myself alone. Living alone doesn’t mean being alone. I still want to travel but I want that base that feels like I belong there. When you move that much, it always feels like you are on the outside looking in. So this week I’ve decide to join the Senior Center here and take some classes and see if I can make some friends until I find that place called home. I’ll take a creative writing class and join the needlework group so maybe I can find out where the quilters are in this area. There are no quilt stores offering classes here anymore so I guess I have to work harder to reach out.
I’m looking for ways to be of service. Though I have no particularly great talents to share, I look for other ways to contribute to the greater good. Time and money are the other alternative. Time I have, money right now, not so much. I do plan to find a way to change that drawback. A stroke of insight would be helpful here. Make it without the stroke if you don’t mind. If you have some insight, I’m willing to listen. I know I’m asking for a great deal but if you don’t ask, well, can it be given? I trust that good can come from even the worst of situations. This one has outlived its’ usefulness so it’s time for the Bells Palsy to move on. I’m ready to find that “Something More”. I’ll let you know when I do.
A grateful mind is a great mind which eventually attracts to itself great things. Plato
From my heart to yours,