In Search of Spirituality

I’ve found that if I don’t write what’s true for me, I can’t get anything on the page. To be truthful about who we are is essential to our well-being. I had to find out the hard way. Could it be my German stubbornness at work here?

In all my searching, this is what it boils down to; spiritual searching. It encompasses the search for passion, right livelihood, belonging, purpose and all the rest. I present my fluffy self to the world in hopes of being accepted. It’s a natural human desire. But something in me always seems to be out of step and I beat a hasty retreat.

In my personal library, I have over 140 books relating to my spiritual search. They include “Power vs. Force” by David Hawkins MD and “The Holographic Universe” by Michael Talbot. My deepest interests are in metaphysics, quantum physics, philosophy, psychology, and anything to do with spirituality. You’d think by now I have all the answers. I don’t, but I think I’m getting closer.

I am an odd duck that remembers where her quack came from. That’s a long story in itself. This blog has been rewritten more than four times and shelved for many months. Against my better judgment, it insists on being presented. This is me, trusting.

Ganesha, the remover of obstacles. Like St. Joseph the seller of homes. I was the biggest obstacle and finally got out of my own way.

I’ve studied some Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism, and several versions of Christianity. There is a grain of truth in each but my answer wasn’t wholly there either. Trying to even define Spirituality is difficult. I am no more spiritual than any other person, it has just been my prominent focus. I feel we were created to create, be it a painting, book, meal, home, garden, photograph, hairstyle or bridge. When we create anything, we are often having a spiritual experience, if we are mindful and feeling joy in the creation. We see the Sacred in the ordinary if we search for it. I see spirituality and creativity as Divinely One.

I painted her 15 years ago because she moved me to do so.

What I am really about and what this illness of Bells Palsy has brought to the forefront is the need to delve deeper into my spiritual search. It has sent me into a self-created monastery. Spirituality is an uncomfortable and often hostile subject so my quest is most often quietly alone. I managed to incense both parents and both husbands. That’s putting it delicately. I really try not to offend anyone. It’s not about religion, it’s about connection.

I’ve never seen an Angel that looked like this but it’s the representation that matters. I tried to paint a glow.

My search continues to evolve. I’ve had many extraordinary experiences in my life that keep me going on this quest. Ask me why I have Angels all over my house and I will tell you stories till you beg me to stop. My family knows them by heart now. I will never try to convince someone they are wrong and I am right, because it’s not true. I am ever so willing to share my experiences and hear yours.

Life is happening for us not to us. Panache Desai

From my heart to yours,
Marlene Herself

In Search of an Odd Memory

Spring is in the air and with somewhat warmer temps, I’ve had a bit energetic momentum. It was time to change out the down comforter for something a bit lighter. When I opened the bag the lighter weight comforter was in, the smell nearly knocked me over. Well, I certainly couldn’t sleep under that. What to do, what to do? I could pay $20 -$30 dollars to get it dry cleaned and live with that chemical smell. There is no laundromat close by and because it has ribbon embroidery on the front, even a commercial washer can be a bit hard on it.

My last option was going back to an old memory from almost 45 years ago. Yes, I’m that old. My young military husband was stationed in Taiwan and I was allowed to join him there with our toddler son. It was like stepping into a time warp. We finally found a nice two-story apartment that had almost no modern conveniences. At least it had indoor plumbing. I cooked on a two burner hot plate and a toaster oven. We bought a refrigerator from the PX that was sold to the next family when we left. Washer and dryer? Not an option.

Military families were encouraged to hire local household help. I had very little to do in the way of cleaning the apartment but it was explained to me by those in the know, that a house girl did more than clean. I found a gem. She spoke relatively good English and understood quite well. Her job was essentially to do my downtown marketing and oversee what my son received as snack from neighborhood playmates. She said some things were ok for him, some not. Everything someone gave him, he had to show her before eating. If it was ok, he got the go ahead, if not it was traded for something safe for his American constitution. She taught me so many things in that 15 months.

What I learned about laundry from my house-girl, was something that has helped many years over. She watched me one day doing my laundry in the bathtub. I was doing it wrong. “Back and arms not strong” she said. “Legs and feet stronger” I just looked at her. Get in the tub with your feet and swish the clothes that way. By golly, it worked and my back was very happy about it.

Those are some strong legs and feet there. Just not very pretty.

any wonder I’m so fascinated with ducks.

That is what I did with the comforter. I couldn’t take pictures of me actually doing the washing parts. I’ve already given 2 phones a permanent burial at sea that way. I also have to firmly hold on to the counter and the tub handle because of my balance issue. So all you get to see is the spin cycle. Once the water is drained, I put it in the dryer on a delicate dry. Now, on my bed, it smells quite fresh and lovely.

Finally on the bed for a while.

I’ve done laundry this way on rare occasions and it always brings back fond memories of a woman, herself a mother of 3, who always had our best interests at heart and kept us safe in unknown territory. It’s interesting what brings up memories. A spring cleaning can bring up many for me. How about you?

Take care of all your memories. For you cannot relive them. ~ Bob Dylan

From my heart to yours,
Marlene Herself

In Search of My Round To It

Have I mentioned before how many projects I have stacked up waiting for me to feel well enough to get back at them? Would the visual be more clear if I told you almost half of a small one car garage is required to contain those projects? I promise you, I gave away at least as much each time I got the chance. What is left is what I really want to do.

The question is, how does the finishing get accomplished? Well, spring is right around the corner and the warmer weather with bits of sunshine peeking through occasionally, has brought back a bit of motivation. To help get the work done, I found this much-needed item in a box of fabric. Doesn’t everyone have one?

Everyone needs one of these

My round-tuit is now hanging carefully on the sewing room wall. It’s about time I get around to it and I did. This last week I finished stitching out this design for St. Patrick’s Day. I bought this design back on March 18, 2009. Too late for that years St. Pat’s day and by the next March I could no longer sew, at all. Complete recovery is still somewhat elusive but progress is slowly being made and finally, things are getting made.

This little wall hanging is far from perfect, but done supersedes perfect any day. I found the glittery fabric after a long hunt. My dog’s groomer had used a bit of it as a kerchief after her March bath and I fell in love with it. So now I’m on a roll. I have washed and ironed lots of flannels and some other cottons to make several Big Shirts. They are next on my list. Or maybe I need to put a spring hanging together first.

When Irish eyes are smiling.

Must I wear this kerchief? It feels silly.

Easter is too close to get another one done. The hound and saying had 85,509 stitches with 63 color changes. Good thing the machine does all the stitching. I just have to keep changing the threads. Placement can get tricky too, but I love the outcome. That was a good day’s work. Anyone who does this kind of embroidery can tell you it’s addictive. There are so many wonderful designs out there and I want to make them all. I’m 3 years behind but the round-tuit will help me catch up. Sunshine helps too. There is limited light in my sewing area since the good light I had was broken in the last move. I’m hunting a replacement. Good lighting is expensive! So, do you have a round-tuit to help you get your projects finished? Is anyone out there as far behind as I am? I sure hope not.

Looks a little Irish to me. Dad when he still had an Irish smile.

On St. Patrick’s Day, it’s said everyone is a little bit Irish. My mother was full German and when I asked my dad about his heritage, he said his family was Dutch, Irish and the devil. Hmmm. He said it was rumored that his family settled in West Virginia and were a band of outlaws. Sounds like an Irish tale to me.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

When Irish eyes are smiling, sure ’tis like a morn in spring.
In the lilt of Irish laughter you can hear the angels sing,
When Irish hearts are happy all the world seems bright and gay,
And when Irish eyes are smiling, sure, they steal your heart away.
~Chauncey Olcott and George Graff, Jr. (lyrics), Ernest R. Ball (music)

From my heart to yours,
Marlene Herself

In Search of Spring

Is it really almost here? The calendar said it’s only eleven more days away. But we are being teased with signs of it everywhere. Hope of warm and green abound. Stepping out onto my finally dry deck, (it’s quite slick when wet) I was able to get a good look at the potted plants I put there when I moved in last October. The pansies have survived and the heather has thrived. New growth on the heather warms my heart.

New growth on the heather. Yay!

My daughter sent a text while at work on Friday to see how I was feeling and if I was up for an adventure. Well, I’m always up for an adventure no matter how I feel. I met her at her apartment as she gets home at 12:30 on Fridays, then riding with her into downtown. We had a quick lunch at a Greek hole in the wall that was a block away from the Chinese Garden. The sun was shining but still a bit crisp. My toes didn’t warm up all day. I wasn’t expecting much since my sister said the Chinese Garden was low on her list of local attractions. What a pleasant surprise we had. Maybe it was our attitude of just enjoying what came our way that day.

Let’s have a local adventure

There were some very potent scents greeting us as we walked into the garden area. I asked about taking photos and the curator said it was a requirement and he would be checking for quality on our way out. Already a reason to giggle. There were plants I had never seen before and the fragrance of their flowers followed us every step of the way.

Yellow daphne. A new plant for me to experience

As we came to the end of a very small garden we found the tea house. The thought of tea makes my daughter’s essence vibrate. Her eyes light up and there is pleading in them. I said to her that we had already had lunch but maybe we could have tea and dessert here. What the heck would a few more calories hurt if it made her that happy to sip tea. There were so many to choose from, so we each had a different tea to share. I took my dessert home.
While sipping tea and looking over the garden, we were entertained by a mature Chinese gentleman playing traditional Chinese music on a violin like instrument. I did ask permission to take his picture. The fun part was when I heard “You are my sunshine” and “The Red River Valley” coming from that classic Chinese instrument I think was an Erhu. I looked over at him and smiled the “I hear what you are playing” smile. He shot a tiny one back at me. Most of the patrons weren’t really listening.

Back at home Friday evening, the neighborhood ducks were wandering all over. A lovely couple found a nice warm spot under the carport to take a break. The sun had left the asphalt quite warm as it made its descent. I don’t know about you, but spring and fall are my seasons. The extremes of winter and summer find me longing for more balance. I hear the birds chirping and saw the first robins here yesterday. Yes, I think spring is coming and I am ever so grateful. Are you seeing the signs?

“In the spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt.” ― Margaret Atwood, Bluebeard’s Egg

From my heart to yours,
Marlene Herself

In Search of Trust

Several years ago when I first started to write more, my daughter bought a set of cards for me on some occasion. I’m not that easy to gift since I need nothing and want less. The cards are titled, ”Inner Outings; Adventure in Journal Writing”. I must admit I rarely used them. I had enough to get off my mind in my journal at the time.

The cards sit next to my chair these days and called to me this morning. So after doing my morning pages, I pulled one. Trust was its title. I read the accompanying book that goes with the cards. I wasn’t surprised that particular card popped out from all the others. My daughter and I had a conversation about it on our girls’ day out. I have serious trust issues.

The first person to look at is myself. Am I trustworthy? I have always thought so, making it a point to be honorable and honest. Everywhere I live, friends and neighbors come to my door to tell me about something they are struggling with. Somehow, they seem to know I will keep their confidences and offer no advice or judgment. All they want is to be heard.

Blossom found this bunny in the yard and wanted to keep it. That’s real trust.

So why was I distrustful? There were all the usual reasons that life leaves on our path. I won’t bore you with the painful details. The bottom line was, the person I was not trusting most, was me.

Buffy and the bunny trusted each other to share the carpet and be kind.

I have exceptional intuition. It borders on an almost psychic knowing. Not for someone else but for what’s in my personal field of awareness. The problem comes when I let someone I love or should trust, talk me out of what my intuition tells me. When they try to convince me that their point of view is more accurate based on facts and mine is just mere speculation, I often succumb to their superior wisdom. More often than not, my intuition was exact and correct. Then I got angry with them, building resentments that got piled high and deep. Yes, I had a PhD. in resentment. What a waste of energy. The person I was really angry with was me.

So now, in my quiet moments working on healing, I’m learning again that I have to always trust my gut. When the hair on the back of my neck stands up, it’s my intuition telling me to run like H E double L. I’ve listened before and was grateful for the hasty retreat. It saved years of misery and even my life. When I didn’t listen, well, you know how that ended; twenty-five to life with the wrong man. The hair on my arms stands up and a chill goes down them when I hear an absolute truth. Weird, I know.

Schatzie and Mattie had a guarded trust. Respectful of each others space.

My job now is to learn once again, to trust myself. I may not be the brightest bulb in the box but my intuition is always a step ahead of the facts. You can never trust anyone or anything until you first trust yourself .

Have you ever not trusted your intuition and later regretted it or have you ever been let down by it?

“Trust the instinct to the end, though you can render no reason “ ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

From my heart to yours,
Marlene Herself

In Search of Focus

I can easily get lost in the wonder of exploring things I haven’t seen in the last year and some of my things have been stored for well over two years. Some are still in boxes in the garage waiting for the last move. That leads me to a familiar quandary. On what do I place my focus now? I’ve had this discussion with my son many times as he has inherited the interest in a wide variety of things from his mother. Some people call it ADD.

I have a book somewhere as yet unpacked called “The Power of Focus” by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen and Les Hewitt. I also own “The Power of Focus for Women” by Fran Hewitt and Les Hewitt. It has been sitting on my headboard for the longest time waiting for me to finish it. I just couldn’t get focused.

focused on the project

What I thought I picked up from the first perusing of the book, was that it’s hard to get good at everything so focus on just one thing and become proficient at that. That wasn’t the case. There was so much more to the book. It was more about focusing on getting the life you want. Well, I could use a little of that.

I have so many interests that most days I was spinning my wheels just trying to decide what to do next. I would normally go sew, embroider, craft, paint, or walk miles for exercise and meditation. These days, I’m requiring a different kind of focus. It seems to be more introspective than creative.

Right now my sewing room is a guest room while my sister makes her changes from one place to another, so I can’t sew anyway. We spent the last week packing up her apartment and then cleaning it from top to bottom. Not an easy feat for this tipsy chick. I’m going to try and figure out how to make that a more comfortable guest room since it looks like it will be used in that capacity more often than not.

I read voraciously. Now I can do it without guilt. I have finished 3 books this week including this one.

A good read

I’m trying also to focus on ways to get well. I think that it’s an option still open to me. Meditation is something else I’m trying to focus on since the walking and gardening meditation have not been available this winter. Come on spring!

Most of us have many things going at once. Trying to do too many of them sometimes leads to doing none well. Making a list sometimes helps me see what should be a priority for the day, week, month, etc. The top of my list is my health but often my actions put it at the bottom. Not eating healthy all the time and easily being distracted from exercise brings my lack of commitment into focus big time.

When I look back on all that has transpired in my life, it seems like everything else has been stripped away from me so I have only a couple of things to focus on. Writing is what I can do now; even more so than reading, actually. The other is my next topic, if I find the courage to post about it. We shall see.

One reason so few of us achieve what we truly want is that we never direct our focus; we never concentrate our power. Most people dabble their way through life, never deciding to master anything in particular. ~ Tony Robbins

From my heart to yours,
Marlene Herself