Looking for answers to life's questions

One of the first assignments from Blogging 101 was to write a blog to our dream reader. At the time I was unable to define that idea. Who was my dream reader? Heck, I was happy to have anyone read anything I wrote.

This blog was originated to find help or someone else on the planet who had Bells Palsy as long as I’d had it or possibly someone who could help me get rid of it. That was almost three years ago and I’d already had Bells almost two years. It will be five years in February. I wanted contact with the outside world since I was at the time virtually housebound, unable to drive anymore or walk without a cane since my balance had become impaired by the illness.

My dream reader in no longer someone who can help me but more someone to whom I can forward the help and inspiration I’ve received here. Now, I want to share what I’ve learned from this very weird illness and the spiritual growth that has come out of it. My daughter said it was to teach me “don’t just do something, sit there” which is the complete opposite of who I am and how we were raised. Doing something takes more effort than ever. Before I was ill, my dog never laid on my lap. The lap never stayed put. Once Bells started running my life, I had more lap time. Not as much anymore but that’s why I write with a lap-top. So I will sit there and do nothing (but write).

When I read Louise Hay’s book You Can Heal Your Life I looked up the illness of Bells Palsy. Under probable cause for the illness it said “extreme control over anger. Unwillingness to express feelings.” I have 3 copies of that book and was a walking, talking example of that probable cause. I was a very ANGRY person and no one knew. The anger is now gone and I’m quicker to express my true feelings, gently.

There are many books that have helped me along the way but none have been as helpful at restoring my health as my readers and fellow bloggers. At one time I felt alone in the world without support. This gypsy who never had roots has them in the blogging community now. Out of 160 followers, probable only a dozen actually read my posts and that is who I write for. They cheer me on and we wish each other well. We have kindness, empathy and a desire to connect in common. We learn from one another and teach our little bits of wisdom. You know who you are. You are my dream readers. My heart is filled with gratitude for you.

gratitude heart

From my heart to yours,
Marlene Herself

Comments on: "In Search of My Dream Reader" (14)

  1. Marlene, I didn’t realize you were dealing with anger from your earlier posts, outside of the frustration of years long suffering from Bell’s. I did notice that as you got out into the world your posts took on another dimension, your life outside the apartment and the blog grew and you seemed to be doing better with the Bell’s.

    I have owned a copy of You Can Heal Your Life many times now and always find something new in it that pertains to my life. I am really happy for you and can feel that contentment starting to open up in you.

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    • Thank you Lois. As one of my treasured readers, you are starting to see the real me. No one knew I was raging inside other than my children and sister. I didn’t know what to do with the anger so I always turned it on myself. That’s what depression is; anger turned inward. I ate most of it. Have to watch that. It’s a barometer.

      My home now is my first reflection of myself. No one gets to tell me how to do it. I have found though that life keeps offering the lesson until we GET IT. More to learn. This illness is my gauge.

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  2. I feel I have been blessed with getting to know you Marlene. We may only know each other through our blogs, but for me its a real friendship. I have seen you grow as a person and a writer. I am now seeing a more happy and serene Marlene. I’m glad to call you friend. Big hugs!

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  3. Anger is a potent and powerful subterranean life wrecker! We all have it somewhere and our work is to recognise how it drives us. Illness is the gift that helps us acknowledge and uncover and overcome the root causes so that a better and healthier ‘I’ can arise. I have come to see that the worst of times in my life have actually been the bearers of the greatest gifts – that’s one of the advantages of living a decent amount of years. 🙂

    Do you find as you create your own home that you feel better? I love what your daughter told you – she knows you so well! One of my favourite quotes is ‘We are human-BEINGS, not human-DOINGS’ A good illness is one that insists we just ‘be’ and get to know ourselves.

    It seems to me Marlene, that you are well and truly walking along the right path for you! Happy dance!! I am most happy to be one of your readers 🙂

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    • Ah, Pauline. You have recognized yourself too. I’m so delighted when my dearest readers see themselves in my writing. Yes, anger is powerful. It blew up the life I knew and gave me the life I wanted. I stopped being nice and started being honest. Painfully so. I let go of blame, took responsibility for the situation looking deep inside for that being called herself. Still a work in progress but clearly well on the better feeling path. It’s funny how I recognize the kindred spirits and kind hearts of fellow travelers from thousands of miles away.

      Yes, creating my own home has helped bring me to myself. I had no idea who I was other than to do someone”s bidding. My daughter and son are both extremely wise coming from the parents they came from. They surprise me every day. I’m sure you know exactly what I mean.

      I do a happy dance almost every day. Especially when I tell the painful truth. Like when my sister wanted to make this her permanent home. I let her know I really like living alone right now. She is welcome to get on her feet from here but it must be very temporary.Thanks for being there and hugs to you and your little family.

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      • …and congratulations for setting clear boundaries with your sister. I know that isn’t always easy, but often necessary for our mental health. Well done.

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  4. Marlene, I so appreciate the honesty that appears so open and transparent in your posts. Tell me more about the “Blogging 101.” I’m anxious to read where it takes you.

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  5. Marlene, I admire your strength and honesty and appreciate all that you share. I think when you stick with a blog for this long, you are bound to change and grow. I love the friendships that develop, and in many ways seeing a level of sharing not always present in the day to day with friends.

    It is good to hear that your illness had an upside: your ability to explore your anger and to figure out ways to release.

    I had to think about that question myself when you said it. I too write for the handful of regular followers. I’m not sure when that happened but I’m glad it did.

    Great post!

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    • It’s been an interesting journey Alys. I’m glad you are one of those that I write for. Even most of my family doesn’t read my blog. I can hide behind fluff with the best of them but the honesty is what I have to work on to grow and heal. I talked at the writing potluck about the strong friendships that have formed over so many miles with people I have never met. actually closer than with my own extended family.They are The didn’t understand. Not counting my kids of course. Even my sister who is living with me since she has no where else to go, can’t be bothered to read my posts. That speaks volumes.

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      • I’m happy about that too. Mwaaaaa.

        Your family is missing out by not following your blog. That said, perhaps they’re worried about what they might read. Not everyone is ready to face the hard truths. They know them deep down, but denial is easier.

        When I first started blogging, I hoped my friends would read my blog, because I was afraid if they didn’t read it, nobody would. Like you, I’ve cultivated a whole new set of friends and readers that are interested, and realize the great value and gift in that. Your comments mean the world to me. And I love reading your posts and find myself looking forward to them.

        I’m glad you have such loving, supportive children. That alone is a testament to you. I have one sister who I am very close to, and another who creates tremendous emotional grief. I keep her at arms length to maintain my own mental health.

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  6. ..and with gratitude and metta to you, dear Marlene _/\_

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  7. What a thought provoking assignment Marlene. Sounds like a good class. I’m thinking about that question now too. It’s kind of amazing where a blog takes you isn’t it? Unlike yourself, I didn’t really have much of a plan when I started. Just wanted to feel creative and make a record of projects. Like you, I was actually surprised when someone visited, then another, and another. What’s doubling surprising is how many readers we really make lovely friendships with. I felt at home here immediately, thank you for sharing your writing, aspirations, dreams and challenges Marlene. You inspire me. I always feel like I’ve shared a cup of tea and had a great ol’ chit-chat. It’s not like that at every stop you know, you’re special. I’m glad you’ve let go of any anger you carried, it sure can weigh you down. Don’t feel too bad about family or friends not visiting. Not many of my long time friends do either. It’s just not their thing I guess and that’s ok by me. I love them for what we’ve shared and will share even if it doesn’t include Blogging. Different strokes for different folks I say. You my dear, are ‘my kind of folk’ I’m so happy to be a reader xoxox Giant Hug K

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    • And I’m sure you too recognize yourself as one of the readers I write for. I can’t begin to say how much I appreciate you being out there to cheer me on when I feel like throwing in the towel. Yes, anger is pretty weighty. I had to recognize what it was first. Had no idea I was. It was just a little depression, that’s all. It was my kids that pointed out what was being done to me. Oblivious much? You all keep me in touch. I so adore your spirit and heart. Thank you for being there.

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