Looking for answers to life's questions

Posts tagged ‘addictions’

In Search of a Cure

There are so many fantastic food blogs out there and I have been following a few. It happened accidentally. Romancing the Bee is a mixed bag of wonderful information about bee keeping, gardening and amazing recipes using honey among other great topics.

Texana’s Kitchen was a find from another blogger. This lady is hilarious. I’m always learning something new from her as I dab tears of laughter from my eyes. She also has some very profound points of view that I enjoy.

One of my fellow writing class students writes a food blog for a local paper. I mentioned that I was not a foodie but would read it anyway. Then I find out that the phrase “foodie” is now an insult according to floreakeats. I found this through Texana’s Kitchen. Who knew?

Not only did I not consider myself a foodie, I’ve had a love, hate relationship with food my entire life. I love food, but since the age of 8, I’ve used food for comfort. It’s been my stress reliever and the cause of it.

Before I started my health routine

Before I started my health routine

Cooking food is also how I love others. I was never a great cook. I knew how to cook cheap and feed many. On my first date at 17, I didn’t even know how to cut the steak my date ordered for me. I’d never had one. No one ever got sick from my cooking and my kids liked most of it. It’s the kind of cooking my dad called “belly filling”. I learned from watching my mother cook. I make a few things very well but there isn’t much variety.

When my family first moved to southern California in the late 70’s, we moved into our first real house though it was still a rental. I got my first crack at gardening and I found great peace in being outside. Our next door neighbor was a genius at gardening. One afternoon, she came to the fence with a bowl of fresh strawberries and a container of whipping cream. I thanked her profusely, looking at the whipping cream and strawberries like they were foreigners. In fact, to me they were. I had never prepared fresh fruit of any kind nor seen real whipping cream. Thanks to her patient instructions, I soon became adept at making the luscious treat.

Taste buds are a requirement for good cooking. Mine are missing. For the first half of my life, food was often scarce. Spices were nonexistant. People wondered how I could eat stale popcorn, chips etc. It was easy. If I found it and it didn’t move away, I ate it. Yes, I’m an addict and I had treatment for it. There is appears to be no cure but I’m finally once again, getting a handle on it. My diet right now is minimal to keep the addictions at bay. I’m adding as much spice to my food as possible to fool my brain into thinking it’s getting wonderful stuff.

So much better, still a long way to go.

So much better, still a long way to go.

When my scale finally reads (HEALTHY), I might try a few of those wonderful recipes I’ve read. In the meantime, I love reading about wonderful food and enjoying it vicariously. Maybe one day we will be good friends again. Do you have a good relationship with food?

“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart.”

Erma Bombeck

From my heart to yours,
Marlene Herself

In Search of Personal Freedom

I have been collecting butterfly memorabilia for many years now. I especially like the butterflies that are with Angels. Butterflies signified freedom to me and freedom seemed to be at the top of the list of what I wanted in my life. There are a lot of directions I could go with this subject as it could fill an encyclopedia. But the direction I will take today is the one that speaks to me the loudest right now. What is personal freedom?

I have gone from wanting to fit in the box to railing to get out of it. It’s the box of conformity and I will obviously never fit. I really don’t think anyone really does fit but we all try to an extent so we have friends and jobs and hopefully a family. Having lived all over the world, I have always been the odd duck in the crowd. It took a few years of maturity to realize that I liked the freedom not fitting in brought. It reared its head fully in my marriages but I wasn’t mature enough to know how to fully achieve that freedom. Why does maturity take so long?

When I write my lists of things I want in my life, freedom is at the top of the list. I will always enjoy good company but never again want to be the property, not partner of someone. But that seems to only touch the tip of what freedom looks like to me. Owning my own home and decorating in my own style was next on the list along with meaningful work. Well, right now, work is out of the question. The Bells Palsy left me with something the doctors can’t quite figure out how it came to be. It’s called Vestibular Integration Dysfunction. In essence, my eyes stopped working together and I no longer know where I am in space. That’s part of the cause of the inability to stay upright or to turn my head from side to side to check traffic without becoming dizzy. It’s why I don’t dare drive a car right now. I just went to a new chiropractor for an adjustment and after the second visit he gave me the heave-ho. He says he can’t help me and is afraid to cause more damage.

So that leaves me with good health off the list for now but still a true goal. But health is more than the absence of disease. Being critically overweight is not healthy. It doesn’t feel good either. I walk everywhere and do a lot of physical work inside the house and out but it’s not enough. So that ties into the other part of personal freedom. How can I be free when I’m physically addicted to food and spending money I don’t have with credit cards. I have to support the eating habits with credit cards and I keep changing sizes so that means more clothes. Now, I’m not a big clothing shopper, just enough to get by, but every time I use that credit card to buy food, clothing or lunch out, I’m further away from true freedom. I’m owned not by a man but by a bad habit. Hard as I try, I keep falling back into the habit of not taking good care of myself when another road block arises. I get frustrated so I look for a way to soothe myself. If I can’t do something physical like work in the yard, I reach for something to eat. Or go to the mall and treat myself to breakfast or lunch. That will all keep me chained to the debt and not able to buy my own home.

I know these things intellectually. How do I practice them personally? True freedom is being debt free and free of addictions of any kind. Easier said than done but like the butterfly, I will not be free with those things holding me down. My dad used to have this saying; “I buy you books and I buy you books and all you do is chew on the corners”. Well, I’ve read every book out there and I’m obviously still chewing on the corners. I’m free of a man but not free from myself. That’s the next big hurdle. I want to be that butterfly in my own garden. I want to know how you see and achieve personal freedom.

From my heart to yours,
Marlene