I sat in front of the television yesterday to have my lunch and rest after cutting the back yard. It’s a massive expanse of weeds that I have yet to eliminate without the use of chemicals, which are not an option for me.
I had taped Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday and she had Ram Dass as her focus this week. I’d heard the name repeatedly from Dr. Wayne Dyer and others in my spiritual journey. I’m sure I’ve mentioned somewhere along the way that I have over 100 books on spirituality as this is a search in earnest. Ram Dass had not been on my radar but I thought this might be interesting. When I realized he’d had a stroke and I watched as he struggled to find his words, I related completely. Then he went on to explain how the stroke was a gift of spiritual growth. Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor said the same in her book “My Stroke of Insight”. Why do I relate to these people so deeply?
Most people when they first saw me after I came down with Bells Palsy asked if I’d had a stroke. When I said no, they asked if I was certain. Well, the doctors weren’t sure either in the beginning and they did a CT scan followed by an MRI to rule out stroke. That left only the severe damage to the seventh cranial nerve. I always tell friends that it was my last nerve and my husband got on it. I snapped and voila, Bells Palsy. The damage was so profound that I could not form complete sentences for a while. I’m still have difficulty with that even now when I get tensed up. How on earth can Bells Palsy affect your ability to think clearly? No one has an answer. I can guarantee you that by all that is holy, I never want to experience an actual stroke, though I know it’s a real possibility.
So I listened to Ram Dass explain how the stroke took him to the next level of spiritual growth. That’s what Bells Palsy has done for me. It was a gift to awaken me and I know I’m not done yet or it would be gone. What’s left for me to do and learn from this? I’ve had to learn to accept help from everyone which is something I’ve never been good with. I’ve been the care giver always. I’ve learned to let go of relationships that drain me and be comfortable alone and with uncertainty. Of course, I’ve always known that fear and faith cannot reside in the same space. So I had to give up fear. Anger and resentment had to go as well. They no longer serve me. When my portion of my husband’s pension check came up so much shorter than anyone expected after 25 years of care giving, my friends and family were more upset than I. Somehow, it will be enough.
My focus in life has always been a spiritual one. I was raised by an agnostic and an atheist. Now that’s a real lesson. So how did this path start and where will it lead? It started when I was 7 looking at my parents and wondering why they couldn’t remember where they came from. I have no idea where that thought came from since I had a clear impression of where I was before being born. It was followed with me finding a church I could walk to and taking all the neighborhood kids with me. As an adult I went to any kind of church available. But I found there were pieces missing so the search was on. Every once in a while I get another piece of that puzzle. Buddhism has a lot of answers for me as well as Kabbalism. Jane Roberts “Seth” books were an eye opener 30 years ago and now the material of “Abraham-Hicks” adds a few more pieces to the puzzle answering more questions.
Health challenges are mountain movers. If you don’t move that mountain, you’ll be buried under it. I’m not done yet so I’m building my spiritual muscles.
Watching the video with Ram Dass back in the 60’s I saw a bit of the style I have been looking for as well. I think there is still a little bit of hippy in this old woman finally hoping for a chance to be freed. I love the soft, long, flowing look with a wide brimmed sun hat added. Who knew? I was too busy in the 60’s to notice what was going on but I’m thinking maybe I’ll go retro and see how that feels. While I’m planting posies, I’ll collect a few more pieces of the puzzle. If you have any, send them on. Just remember, I’ll never be a fundamentalist of anything. My dad always said “variety is the spice of life”. Pass the herbs please.