In Search of a Different Kind of Life

My sister came by this week for a short visit and was asking some very pointed questions. She was having a great deal of guilt because she thought she had cheated me out of a childhood. Even our mother admitted to friends that I raised the kids. My sister was sad that I could remember few joyful memories of my childhood. They were there; they just don’t stick like the hard times do. My joy came later when I had my children though it was balanced by the difficulty of my other relationships. I think that’s what life is, yin and yang, light and dark.

I assured my sister that my life has had many good moments and it continues to get better and better. I had the impression when I was very young that I came into the world to take care of people. It’s what my astrology and numerology chart say also. I’m the caregiver, nurturer, teacher, etc. I tell friends that I was born 108 years old. If our parents had been more capable, I probably would have found someone or something else to take care of, but as luck would have it, our parents had very little to work with or perhaps the plan all along was for me to be in charge of all of them. Yes, I raised mom too.

Grandpa holding my baby
sister a few months old.

I read stories every day, of people with less than idyllic childhoods but most of the stories end up with these people growing into the most wonderfully capable, kind, caring people. Ours was not stable or nurtured but it certainly was interesting. Each of us turned out to be kind, caring, productive members of society.

When friends ask my sister why her life has been like a carnival ride, she tells them it was because a five year old raised her. We both know that’s only part of the truth. She came into the world with an agenda of her own. Part of that agenda was to challenge the world’s archaic thinking and she is doing a fine job of it. It’s a tougher job than any I’ve ever had. Her enthusiasm in life balances my stoic quietness. Thank goodness. Yin and yang once again.

Ready for the challenge

She was all mine to love and discipline. Me at 9, she was 4

I told my sister that we didn’t get the cottage home with a white picket fence and Mr. & Mrs. Cleaver weren’t our parents but we got something else. We had an adventurous life and an extraordinary bond. We were never afraid to say “I can do that”. There is still so much to learn and experience. We are still alive and the adventure is ongoing. There are questions to be asked and answered. Would I have traded any part of my life for a more carefree existence? I don’t think so. Our lives are different than most and continues to evolve in that direction. I am in a unique position to create the life I want to some degree. Other than this stupid illness (Bells Palsy), nothing is holding me back. Life is supposed to be fun but mostly, I want it to be interesting. Different, odd, unique, adventurous, even downright hard is better to me than ordinary. I volunteered for it and I wanted to make sure she had no guilt left when she left here.

Would you prefer simple and ordinary over hard and different?

From my heart to yours,
Marlene Herself

In Search of My Sister

I’ve come out of my cave this week. This may be the last of the hibernation. With the assistance of some wise words by a fellow blogger, I began to understand the reason for the retreat. When a blogger said she didn’t own a self-help book, I had to take a look at why I needed so many.

The last three years have brought many changes. Not all of the changes were pleasant, all were necessary. Through it all, I’ve had my sister to support me, along with my wonderful adult children. Sis has gone through so much more hardship than I can even imagine and we are both somewhat lacking an essential ingredient to make life as successful as it could be.

Lonely seagull waiting, watching

Self-esteem, not inflated ego, is absolutely necessary to healthy relationships. Unfortunately, you can’t get that from a self-help book. Three years ago, she came to my rescue with a big yellow truck and drove it 1800 miles while my daughter helped me pack and drove my car. This weekend, it was my turn to rescue her.

Sweet Downtown
Port Townnsend, WA.

She was left stranded with no vehicle and no phone four hours away in a lovely little town. Fortunately, she had her laptop and e-mailed me. We had to wait until Friday afternoon when my daughter got off work and could drive while I navigated the unfamiliar roads. Somehow, my daughter and son have healthier self-esteem and I’m grateful for them both.

Would have been nice to be stranded here but not in our budgets

The reason my sister was so far away was so she would be cut off from any support system. When a person you are in a relationship with starts to separate you from those that care about you, warning bells often go off. Many of us chose to ignore the bells. I’ve actually had the hair stand up on the back of my neck to warn me that I was approaching a bad situation. That, I listened to, thankfully.

That was the other reason I had retired to my cave. I felt helpless to do anything and devastated at the possible loss of someone else I loved. All I could do was sleep, eat and pray. Someone must have heard the prayers because the spell has been broken. I was going to leave her there if it had not been. It’s interesting the things we as humans will do to be loved by another. Intelligence has very little to do with it. Human behavior is something that I am absolutely fascinated by.

Ships reminder at the dock

Now I feel like I can work again. I’ve been slugging away at a project that just wouldn’t come together until now. Hopefully, by evening it will be in the finishing stages. Pictures will follow if success is achieved.

Know your comments are always appreciated and taken to heart. I may be an old woman but I still have so many lessons to learn in this lifetime. This one taught us both so much. I am grateful to have found that sister I love so much once again.

I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing. ~ Agatha Christie

From my heart to yours,
Marlene Herself

In Search of a Successful Relationship

In our writing class at the Santa Clarita Senior Center we were given a homework assignment for the week. I did wait till I was completely out of earshot before bursting into belly busting laughter. The assignment was to share any secrets we had for successful relationships. I have this one aced! Not.

I thought I knew a lot about relationships and how to make them work. My longest relationship so far is with my sister. She’s 5 years younger and we are still speaking to each other. Then there are my two adult children from my first marriage. We are still speaking to each other as well. That’s the extent of my success.

My first marriage existed for 18 years. The second for 24 years by the time the divorce was final. I’m tenacious if nothing else. I will beat that dead horse to the finish line even if it almost kills me. My kids and my sister let me know it was time to let that horse rest in peace. I’ve decided that I have no skills for marriage. My son said it was because I didn’t date much. You could count all my dates in my life on one hand without the thumb. My life partners lived across the street. I’m not kidding. I didn’t have time for dating. Getting married wasn’t on my list of things to do either but I’m a sucker for coercion. The last one got me with the health insurance for my daughter.

Both were good men and I learned a great deal by having them in my life. We were good together for a time. The hard lesson was we were each partly responsible for the dissolution of our relationship. Takes a great deal of growing up to realize it wasn’t entirely his fault. Life was so much easier when I could blame them. I wasn’t ready either time and knew it. I just didn’t hold my ground. Boundaries, what boundaries? Why do important things sometimes take so long to learn?

We didn’t learn the important lessons in our family of origin. You know that post war generation. Kids should not be seen or heard and when you are 18, pack your bags and stand on your own. So glad that’s changing … some.

So what do I know now about a successful relationship? I’m pretty sure it starts with self-respect which in turn leads to respect of others and having them treat you with respect. Respect hears fully and completely what the other person is saying. Self-respect expects to be heard. Respect is faithful and kind. Self-respect expects fidelity and kindness. It pretty much seems to start with how you are treated early on by your parents. Unfortunately, very often, they didn’t have that kind of self-respect either and you can’t give what you don’t have. Somehow, I found just enough to give my kids a slightly better chance. They buried that dead horse a lot sooner.

I’m not planning on marrying again but I am hoping to have good long term relationships with new friends once I finally have a home somewhere. It can’t be soon enough but life has its own schedule. This moving business is getting as old as I am.

I need all the help I can get on relationships. Maybe I’ll learn some new things in writing class from the others but would love to hear what you think makes a successful relationship.

A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself — to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart. ~ Leo F. Buscaglia

From my heart to yours,
Marlene