Looking for answers to life's questions

Posts tagged ‘understanding’

In Search of Understanding

The anniversary day has come and gone. I’ve had a full 2 years with Bells Palsy. I did not think that was possible. Why hasn’t it gone away? What is there left for this illness to teach me? Those are the questions I ask every day.
I decided not to stay home and wallow in self-pity so I dressed, made my breakfast, did the dishes and cleaned the stove. Then I walked the 15 minute walk to the bus stop and caught the bus to the bookstore. That’s just the place for a book addict like me. I spent an hour and a half there, spending only $10 on 2 paperbacks. One novel and one self-help book as well as a large iced tea so I could sit and peruse the others I finally left behind. They were too heavy to carry.

I have been working on a spreadsheet to list the books I own since I have a habit of buying some books 2 or 3 times. So far I have over 100 books on learning how to write. I still don’t know how but I’ll keep working on that with all the free time I have. I own the same number or more on self-improvement and even more on spirituality. Then there are the novels and memoirs. I think the sewing and craft books exceed them all. I may have to sell them if this doesn’t go away. Most of my books are in storage 1000 miles away. But the kindles and the books I brought with me as well as those I have picked up while here at my son’s house have kept my mind busy.

Reading with this illness is sometimes very tricky. I have every kindle set to large print and when I write, I set my font to a size 16 so I can see what I’ve written. The constant dizziness makes it hard to concentrate and the vision gets worse when I’m tired. But on the anniversary day I pushed myself harder to stay distracted. I walked the mile from the bookstore to the mall and then on to the theater where I sat through a movie. Not a great movie but an easy to watch movie. By the time I got home, I had double vision so I reheated dinner, had a conversation with my kids and went to bed at 7 p.m. Maybe the next day I would wake up well.

In the meantime I still want to better understand the gifts in this illness. There must be something I’ve overlooked and still need to learn from it. Maybe I’m supposed to learn how to do nothing. I think I’m a lost cause on that front. Maybe be more grateful for the vision I still have and a body that lets me walk a couple miles a day. I’m trying to understand how I will function in my life if this illness stays with me. I will have to stay close to transportation and necessities. No living on the outskirts of town. There are so many people out there with a multitude of different illness that dictate how they have to live. I want to understand how they cope and continue on in spite of their limitations. Of course, there is no other option.

I know I’m happy as long as I can access a bookstore once in a while and read. Yes, I do order a lot online but there is nothing like the smell and feel of books in a bookstore. It’s like a shrine and I’d like to live there. You would think with all those books, I’d know something valuable like what I want to do with the rest of my life. Heck, right now it would be nice to know what I’ll be able to do. There was not one word in all those books except Louise Hays’ book “You Can Heal Your Life” about Bells Palsy.

I still haven’t found one person that has had it this bad or can direct me to more information. It just isn’t there. I want to understand everything about it and recovery. I want to understand what to do If I don’t recover. I want to understand the weirdness of this world but I think that’s beyond the scope of my capacity. Not giving up though. I do understand that there is always a chance this will reach the one person who can give me information and so I will continue to send these babblings out into the ethers. Who knows, maybe someone else is looking for what I’ve come to understand.

From my heart to yours,