In Search of Inner Peace

It’s been a long, long week for me. One extra day last month meant an extra 24 hours of waiting to see if I would finally get a check in the mail. I’ve been officially divorced 8 months and separated for 12. In all that time there has been no income other than 6 months of social security. The first months check didn’t count because the entire thing went to pay the vet bill for my sweet Schatzie. I miss my dog so much. I miss the ex-husband not so much. That pretty much sums that up.

Anyway, the check still hasn’t come and seems not likely to show up for at least another month but I’m housed and fed and getting well in spite of it. I am also trying to put our home back on the market hoping it will sell this season. Even when the market is good, our house is located in a not so fast moving area. The ex-husband is dragging his heels and I guess I understand why. He’s afraid the miracle will happen while there is still 3 feet of snow on the ground and he won’t be able to get all his massive amounts of stuff out before the closing. There is nothing like projecting problems that could be easily solved. If I have any illusions that I have control over anything, they are quickly dispelled.

Being a well-practiced worrier, I have found that the most worry had to offer me was a serious stomach and head ache. No real solutions ever come of it. My journals have been filled with what ifs. If I took a clear look at the reality of my life today, the ulcer would eat a hole in my stomach.
Instead, I remind myself moment by moment some days that everything is falling into place perfectly in its correct timing. I remember that I have always been taken care of by that unseen force in the Universe whatever you chose to call it. So I take another deep breath and pick up my shovel and dig another hole for another plant. Bet you thought I was going to say the hole was for the ex-husband. Fooled you. Planting bushes, trees, or flowers brings me back to earth. My mind isn’t in tomorrow or the next day. My mind and thoughts are in the moment and I am at peace. It’s how I meditate and pray.

I have 5 more of the 14 bushes left to plant. But let me be clear. I’m not in control here either. I’ve done this before. Many of the plants I put in the ground 2 years ago did not thrive. I failed to make sure the conditions were right for that variety to survive. Just like the marriage,the plants couldn’t handle the harsh weather. Too much cold and too much wind left most of them shriveled up or dead. So this time I went to the nursery and asked lots of questions first. Now as I plant these bushes I feel more at peace about their survival. I stay calm and focused on creating a healthy environment for them.

I am also working on doing the same thing for myself. My ex-husband ask how I could manage to dig with this constant dizziness then realized I used the shovel like a cane. It gives me balance. Interesting, isn’t it. I’m looking for balance in my life as well. So when I dig, I don’t focus my attention on what frustrates me, I focus on giving these bushes the best chance at wonderful life and I am at peace with the world. Wonder what I’ll do when I no longer have my sons’ yard to garden in? What is it you do to find that peaceful place in yourself? Just looking at options.

From my heart to yours,
Marlene