In Search of Trust

Several years ago when I first started to write more, my daughter bought a set of cards for me on some occasion. I’m not that easy to gift since I need nothing and want less. The cards are titled, ”Inner Outings; Adventure in Journal Writing”. I must admit I rarely used them. I had enough to get off my mind in my journal at the time.

The cards sit next to my chair these days and called to me this morning. So after doing my morning pages, I pulled one. Trust was its title. I read the accompanying book that goes with the cards. I wasn’t surprised that particular card popped out from all the others. My daughter and I had a conversation about it on our girls’ day out. I have serious trust issues.

The first person to look at is myself. Am I trustworthy? I have always thought so, making it a point to be honorable and honest. Everywhere I live, friends and neighbors come to my door to tell me about something they are struggling with. Somehow, they seem to know I will keep their confidences and offer no advice or judgment. All they want is to be heard.

Blossom found this bunny in the yard and wanted to keep it. That’s real trust.

So why was I distrustful? There were all the usual reasons that life leaves on our path. I won’t bore you with the painful details. The bottom line was, the person I was not trusting most, was me.

Buffy and the bunny trusted each other to share the carpet and be kind.

I have exceptional intuition. It borders on an almost psychic knowing. Not for someone else but for what’s in my personal field of awareness. The problem comes when I let someone I love or should trust, talk me out of what my intuition tells me. When they try to convince me that their point of view is more accurate based on facts and mine is just mere speculation, I often succumb to their superior wisdom. More often than not, my intuition was exact and correct. Then I got angry with them, building resentments that got piled high and deep. Yes, I had a PhD. in resentment. What a waste of energy. The person I was really angry with was me.

So now, in my quiet moments working on healing, I’m learning again that I have to always trust my gut. When the hair on the back of my neck stands up, it’s my intuition telling me to run like H E double L. I’ve listened before and was grateful for the hasty retreat. It saved years of misery and even my life. When I didn’t listen, well, you know how that ended; twenty-five to life with the wrong man. The hair on my arms stands up and a chill goes down them when I hear an absolute truth. Weird, I know.

Schatzie and Mattie had a guarded trust. Respectful of each others space.

My job now is to learn once again, to trust myself. I may not be the brightest bulb in the box but my intuition is always a step ahead of the facts. You can never trust anyone or anything until you first trust yourself .

Have you ever not trusted your intuition and later regretted it or have you ever been let down by it?

“Trust the instinct to the end, though you can render no reason “ ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

From my heart to yours,
Marlene Herself