In Search of Hope

In the last week or so I have been trying something new. Energy Medicine and Qi Gong. Figured it couldn’t hurt and I can do it without falling over. The Qi Gong exercises are a little like Yoga and Tai Chi combined and the Energy medicine is similar in that you do some tapping and moving to awaken the flow of energy in your body. Kind of airy-fairy but like I said, nothing else has worked so I gave it a shot.

On Thursday morning as I was folding up my bed, yes, it’s a sofa bed, I turned my head to look out the window to watch the wind blowing the trees. The turning of my head brought on that snap of a tense muscle in my neck that shot up into my head. It was on my left side that was already tensed from the Bells Palsy. My first thought was of what we used to call a crick in the neck. I’ve had them before and they can be quite painful till they let go.

This one sent a searing sensation up into my head and being somewhat of a worry wart, I wondered for a nano second if it could be an aneurism or a tiny stroke. Well, in an instant it let go. Just that little pop and when I worked to relax my neck and body, it was over. Wow! Did I get lucky. No crick and I felt oddly a bit better. It was as though something tight in my neck had finally let go of something in my head. Since my face has been paralyzed for close to 2 years now and everything on that left side is attached, any tiny bit of relief is a big deal.
I have looked for signs of healing in the most minuscule of changes. Standing in one spot without weaving for more than a few seconds is big. Being able to hold water in my mouth when I brush my teeth is big. Drinking out of a cup without a straw although very carefully is really big. You would think I was 2 again. And the feeling I had after the neck pop was big. I stood there a few moments to feel what was going on. Oddly, I felt slightly less dizzy. Still not planning on going down the stairs without holding onto the railing but something has changed. I can’t put my finger on it and maybe I want it so badly that I’m not sure if it’s my imagination or if I’m really getting better.

I so wanted to work outside in the yard that day since it’s what I love to do but the wind was blowing hard and it wasn’t as warm as I need right now. The Chinese believe that wind and cold are what set off Bells Palsy. I know it was cold and windy when I got it so I’m not taking any more chances. I wear a hat everywhere now. My head is so sensitive I even wear one to bed. And that’s where I went. To bed for a short nap. Remember, my bed is a sofa and a short one so the nap was a short one too. But I have finally deduced that rest is the most essential part of this healing process. I hate rest. I’m a go go go kind of girl. The more I can get done in a day the happier I am. But if I want to get well I have to go less and rest more.

My vision seems to have settled down from the constant dance a bit as well since the non crick episode. Just a tiny bit better. My son looked at my one good eye that actually has real vision and is the one that is unfortunately also paralyzed and asked me to try to move that muscle and open it more. Still can’t be done. I can’t lift the eyebrow and wink. When I’m the slightest bit tired, the eye just barely holds open. I think that part will be the last to heal. But the jumpy part where everything feels like it’s swimming and bouncing around me seems calmer. I believe I will be able to drive soon and have planned for month 24 to be the end of it. I have made it my mantra. I will be well at the 2 year mark! I will make my body believe it too. There is a glimmer of hope and I’m hanging on tight.

From my heart to yours,
Marlene